About the Nice Guys

My brain goes on some pretty funny tangents sometimes.  For instance, the other day I was remembering a passing comment said by a friend some time ago.  The friend and his wife had been fellowshiping with my family, and toward the end of our conversation, something was said about a young man in our church.  The friend made the passing comment that the young man was “a nice guy.”

Now, if I hadn’t already had a couple of comments thrown in my direction hinting that this “nice guy” and I would make a good couple (as if the speakers really had any clue what they were talking about), I might not have noticed.  In all likelihood, the friend had no such meaning in mind when he said it.  Nothing was said in direct response by anyone in my family.  But it kind of felt to me like the comment was made for my benefit.

That’s not the first time I’ve heard the words “nice guy” nor will it be the last.  When I hear that phrase, however, I can’t help thinking how shallow it is.

Especially within the church, any guy can be a nice guy.  Think about it.  How would you define a nice guy?  Somebody who is polite, opens doors, and generally wears a smile.  Depending on the particular nice guy, he might add one or two other traits to the list, like good looks, teaching Sunday School, or a good job.  But all of these things are pretty superficial.   What about this list makes a guy good husband material?

Okay, so you have to start somewhere, but seriously, I want to know why the well-meaning sisters in our churches use these words when hinting about someone they think we ought to consider.  I think I have a pretty good idea of why, actually.  Two reasons.  In some cases, it is probably because there isn’t that much more to the guy than that he is “nice.”  Why that might be is a whole different can of worms which I am not going to open.  In other cases, I think they use the phrase “nice guy” because their own relationship with the guy is so superficial that “nice” is all they know about him.

What do we girls do about it?  Well, I generally just smile tolerantly and move to the next topic.  People get the idea.  I’m not interested in talking about “nice guys.”  But sometimes I wonder if there isn’t a way to encourage people to spend more time getting to know a guy before they recommend him as nice (enough to marry).  Then they could use stronger words to describe him that would be more likely to catch a girl’s attention (or not).

Does this happen to guys too?  Do they get pushed toward the “nice girls”?  Sure.  My brother has seen a little of it (some from the same ladies I’ve been dealing with), although with him it has been easier because he’s away at college and because people give guys a break longer because it’s generally expected that they should have a job before they get married.  Granted they may expect a guy to have a girlfriend before that, but it doesn’t seem to be a major cause of concern to them if he doesn’t.

I don’t think the “nice girl” label is any deeper than the “nice guy” label.  A nice girl is polite (meaning doesn’t talk your ear off), pleasant, usually pretty, and generally has either brains, artistic talent, housekeeping skills, or a love of children to recommend her.  Now, this description gives the guys a little more to work with, in my opinion, but still doesn’t really indicate whether the girl is really good wife material and completely ignores the compatibility question.  I suppose because the guys are supposed to go find that out.  But don’t you think that young people are perfectly capable of going and finding that out without the distracting hints?

How about the other side to this “nice guy” “nice girl” issue.

Are you one of them?  Do the people who know you know enough to give you a good recommendation?  This one is a tougher one to assess because we don’t generally hear how others describe us.  Still, we should be aware enough of ourselves to know whether we have a distinct purpose and mission in life that is visible to other people.  We will know if we are genuinely caring about other people enough to get involved in their lives beyond carrying a few bags for them when they need a hand or pitching in to help with refreshments for an event.

I’ve also found that it pays to look beyond the “nice guy” label and find out for myself what someone is like.  Just because someone else’s relationship with a guy is so superficial that they are reduced to “nice-ing” them doesn’t mean that mine has to be.  At the same time, it pays to be realistic.  Not every nice guy has interests or goals that are similar to mine (or yours).  And maybe I also don’t need to be more than “a nice girl” to some people who don’t share my particular frame of reference and aren’t likely to understand why I’m uninterested in chasing guys, however nice they may be.

Just some thoughts.  Like I said, sometimes my brain goes off on tangents . . .

WORLD Magazine | Couples in community | Susan Olasky | Jun 18, 11

WORLD Magazine | Couples in community | Susan Olasky | Jun 18, 11.

This is the promised Part 2 to the article from the previous issue, “Boy Meets Girl.”  Susan Olasky could have taken several directions in answering the question, “what are we going to do about the situation?” from the first article, which discussed how Christian young people are finding it difficult to move forward in an atmosphere that encourages all or nothing in mixed relationships.  This second segment focuses on what churches can be doing to foster a healthy atmosphere for healthy relationships.

I have to admit, my church does not seem to make a point of fostering healthy friendships among the young adults.  Although there is a teen program, not much was available for young adults until I started periodically hosting game nights or other young adult events.  I’m not able to host as often as I’d like, but it’s more than nothing, and I think it has been fun for some of the young people to get together in a mixed group and have fun.  I’d love to do more, and I wish others would or could step up and do some hosting as well, but maybe that’s too much to expect when most young people don’t understand their own need.

As a young woman, I know I have a need for friendship with both men and women of all ages, including peers.  I’m learning so much about people in general and preparing in many different ways, sometimes almost subconsciously, for the special friend who will someday become my husband.  I’m learning what kinds of personality types I get along with very well, what traits get on my nerves, and how to interact with all kinds of people.

Why isn’t there more attention to this from my church or in the church at large?  I don’t know for sure, but it seems like churches are assuming that young people already have a support group for that — their families.  But I don’t know that every young person is getting that support from their family.  I know that I do have a lot of support from mine, but I still miss something from not having the encouragement of my church family.

Actually, the encouragement I get from different church friends is more focused on a dating type of relationship and tends to focus too much on the superficial and not the more important spiritual aspects of friendships.  Yes, I know that dating is the accepted mode of getting to know a future spouse, but it’s discouraging to me that even people who know that I have no interest in the dating game talk to me in those terms.  I have had to be my own encouragement or find it among the books and blogs that I read.

Waiting for the spouse God has chosen for me can be hard, and it would be so nice to have solid encouragement and real friendships in the mean time.  I have the encouragement of my parents, who ask me the tough questions, but I also have the discouragement of being misunderstood by church family, leaving me wondering what could be happening differently to make things better.

How about you?  Are you feeling supported by your church family?  What do they do or not do which you think is or could be helpful?  Maybe you were recently married or are soon to be wed.  What was helpful in your journey toward marriage?

February: Bad Month, Good Month

Whew!

What a month this has been.  Weather-wise, this February has been like many previous Februarys, only more so, in most places around the states.  It’s a short little month, but that doesn’t stop February from packing quite a punch sometimes.  And like always, people where I live are pretty much fed up with winter.  Okay, so they were fed up with winter in January, but February certainly hasn’t helped matters any!

On top of the weather, February has been a tough month personally because I’ve been sick.  I caught a stomach bug to start with, and then got hit with a nasty head cold just as I thought I was going to be back to normal.  Three weeks after originally getting sick, I’m finally pushing the last of the congestion and coughing out the door.  Just say I’d like to start fresh with the new month tomorrow!

So, I’m sure you’re asking yourselves, I thought she said there was something good about this month? I did, and there was.  Believe it or not, the month of February 2011 has been the blog’s busiest month since I started writing.  It tops July 2010 by several “hits.”  Although I’m not writing this blog for the traffic, else I’d write more often and on more popular topics, it’s always nice to see that people have been reading my posts.

Another good thing about this month is that I’ve been doing a book study with a friend of mine on Major W. Ian Thomas’s The Saving Life of Christ.  While we’re only through a couple of chapters, I’ve been enjoying the book and the discussions very much.  Whether you are a Christian or not, this book will challenge you to live as you’ve never been challenged to live before.  I say this as a young woman who’s been a Christian for 3/4 of her life and grown up in a home where Christ is preeminent; I’ve been challenged and spurred to a deeper relationship with God, and I’ve only read the first three chapters!

So, despite weather and sickness, February has been a good month for relationships of all kinds.  I just hope March brings more of the same.  The relationship builders, I mean!  The sickness I can do without, and I do hope the weather grows milder, for all of us.  Still, “we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, KJV).  ALL things, not just the “good” ones, but also the “bad” (from our perspective).  God uses everything in our lives to shape us into the living gems for his crown, so I am content knowing that he knows what is best for me and for all of you.   I’m so glad to serve such a wonderful God!

Who Needs Socialization?

Socialization is one of the big bugbears of homeschooling.  Why does everyone worry about socializing homeschoolers?  Does no one realize the dangers lurking in those waters?

What most people mean when they say socialization is peer time.  While I have had many a happy hour with friends, I recognize that spending time with peers did not help me grow up.  At least not after a certain point.  I did learn some things from interacting with friends, but I was learning the same lessons from myparents and my siblings.  My friends could only teach me how to act like a child because that’s what we all were, children.  Since growing up is the main business of childhood, peer time does not seem all that important to have during childhood.

Now move to middle and highschool.  Here, I learned even less from my peers.  And think – the peers I am talking about were all either kids I knew at church or from the homeschooling community, and in most cases, both.  In my opinion these are the peers from whom I was most likely to have learned something.  And I only learned that I am not interested in typical teen conversations.  Some reflection on homeschooling if homeschoooled teens are hard to tell apart from any other teens!

I was pretty well off in regard to my friends.  I did not learn much good, but I also did not learn much bad.  The stories I hear from other people indicate to me that other teens learn some rather bad habits among their peers, including cliquishness, flirting, and the running down of both siblings and parents.  Why on earth do parents seek this for their children?

Socialization is not inherently bad.  The trouble is that most people assume it should be done among those close to your age.  Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture.  Childhood is actually a very small portion of the normal life span.  Now, when we reach the adult world, who are we going to socialize with at work, at church, and in the community?

The answer is people of all ages, and mainly adults.  While we may find friends who are very close to our own ages, the fact is that many of us will also have very close friends who are some years older and can give us advice.  We may also eventually be the older friend giving advice.  Does socializing with our peers prepare us for this?  I think not.

Why should we worry about socializing with peers when we have siblings?  One of the main benefits of homeschooling is that brothers and sisters can interact with each other, develop good relationships, help each other learn.  I know some siblings can’t stand each other, but I don’t think we are born fighting with our siblings.  I think it’s often learned from our peers.

Why should we worry about socialization with peers when we have parents?  We learn most from those who are modeling adulthood.  Our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and their friends can all show us much more about how to be an adult than any teenager knows.  Of course, parents have the most influence, being on the spot all the time, but others in our families and at church are also good candidates for socialization.

Growing up, I always socialized with adults.  I liked to tag along with my mother after church, listening to her talk.  I did not understand half of it when I started, but in time I could follow pretty well.  Later, I started my own friendships with those same friends of my mother’s.  They were interested in my life, and they were always happy to talk about themselves too.  I learned how to converse with adults much better than I understood how to interact with my peers.  Maybe that is part of why I never fit in with my own age group all that well.

In any case, I loved to talk to those who knew more than me.  Picking up bits of wisdom was much easier when I did not have to do the thinking all by myself.  I learned much from interacting with people of all ages and from all manner of backgrounds.

Granted, associating with other Godly young people can be a good thing.  We can benefit from having someone near our age who is pursuing the same path we are.  Not everyone who is young is as immature as the rest.  A few among us have benefitted from our seeming isolation to become stronger individuals with less inclination to follow the herd and more inclination to think on the things of life and Godliness.  When you find a friend like that, cultivate that friendship!

Still, since generalizations are fun to make, I have indulged in one of my own. 

“Associating with youth makes you younger, only those with years to spare should engage in it regularly.”